Alone. Scared. Doubt. Fear. Pain. Loss. Anxious. Grief. Empty. These are just a few words to explain how I have felt in the past week. Writing this I think the best way to start what I want to say is from the beginning: Excitement. Anticipation. Future thoughts. A sibling for Aria. These feelings are what flooded my heart when that pregnancy test came back positive. I sat in one of my parents in laws bedrooms with Paul and Aria and Paul told me the test said positive. I instantly thought of Aria and how excited I was for her to have a little brother or sister. We had been in Germany for less than a month and we had so much to do, we had to paint our new flat and move everything over. Paul had received word he had a job but the hours were a killer for us and we wondered why God would give Paul this job when we were here to get to know people more. The flat was beautiful but more money than we anticipated. In the midst of the struggles and our little storm the pregnancy was what I was holding on to with anticipation and happiness. I wanted to give our little bundle of joy a name just as we did with Aria who was "littul one" and Paul came up with "Matrose" which in English is "sailor". We had no idea how significant this name would be for our little fighter. We told my family and they were flooded with joy on the 11th of February and then the 12th of February we told Pauls side of the family with a curry meal and everyone was so happy. Then our storm started to get stronger. Sunday 19th of February in the evening, I started to bleed. So we went to hospital. We saw our little Matrose for the first time and saw their heart beat and our hearts were filled with hope, but the lady told us that I had to stay in hospital and then we were filled with dread. I looked to Paul and his eyes were filled with tears. He didn't want to be alone with Aria at home without me. I suddenly felt so much fear. No translator. No husband. No baby. Just that morning I spoke at church about how God had helped me with my fear of speaking German and helped me have my first conversation with a stranger without a translator, but now I was really being thrown into the deep end. We wrote to our families as I was taken to my own room for the next few days to rest and see what would happen with the bleeding. I didn't even get to say goodbye to Aria. I wouldn't wake up to see my husband or have Aria climb into bed with us and breastfeed her. Paul went home to get stuff for me for the next few days and brought in a book for me to read that I wanted to read for a while but never got time to read it "Jesus continued" about the Holy Spirit and how He works. I tried to sleep that night with so many questions to God and woke up alone. A song that the family had been singing to the children to teach them was "my God is so big so strong and so mighty there is nothing that He can not do" in German of course but this song was stuck in my brain and as I woke up this song was in my brain in fact it was a song my soul clung to through this whole experience. A few hours later Paul arrived with Aria and I was able to breastfeed her and it felt so amazing to have her there. And an hour or so later they left. Then came back at around 4 to come and see me. This was my daily routine from Monday until Wednesday. Paul brought in my iPad with some films downloaded from Netflix and one of them was "God is not dead". I watched it and cried all the way through as a boy defended his faith against an atheist teacher who wanted to fail him for simply believing in God. From the film I clung on to the sentence "God is good all the time and all the time God is good". I wrote in my journal that day that whatever happens I wanted to cling on to this. I also wrote "He is with me in this room His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts greater than mine. Im so filled with so many emotions and thoughts". Another thing I thought was amazing was how my fear of German and German speaking strangers completely left, the nurses were so kind and tried to speak English to me and listened patiently to my scrambled German. God was with me. Every step. Every conversation. Every hour. I also started to read the book and God taught me something about His Spirit, we all have different spiritual gifts but God also allows different things in our lives to set us up for future ministry. As I thought of this I thought about my severe back pain and what it did to our marriage and how stressful it was. I thought about my depression and the dark time that also brought to our lives and the shadow that hangs over us with the possibility of it returning. Also the possibility of loosing our little Matrose. As I lay around all day in my bed from Monday to Tuesday I felt my hope sink and rise with how much blood I was loosing to the next time I checked and how little was there. I longed to see our little Matrose. I was filled with so many emotions during this time and not really knowing what to think. I missed my family, I missed my husbands touch, I longed to hold my baby girl and watch her eat. (If you know our little girl you know that the best time to watch her is when she eats as she is so happy then and content.) On Wednesday I was able to have a scan to see the baby, and thankfully I could wait for Paul to come and see them with me. We saw the heartbeat again and were refilled with hope. I went back to my room and Paul left home, I fell asleep with a smile on my face and woke up looked at my phone and saw the most encouraging Facebook post. It was from a lady with a Facebook page and website called "life lived beautifully". She writes bible studies and provides different merchandise to focus on our Lord. My internet wasn't very good but when I clicked on Facebook the top post on my newsfeed was a post from her. Another reminder from God that He was with me and watching over me. Here it is: https://www.facebook.com/LifeLivedBeautifully/photos/a.468727073198035.1073741829.468418659895543/1315717535165647/?type=3&theater The post is about when we go through desert times our hearts and mind go through what we learned in the good times. She said: "When we aren't in the desert, we should be nourishing our souls with truth. Every single day we need to be in Scripture with our spiritual forks and dining at the table of God. Every verse in the Bible has infinite worth. When we commit to study all of God's Word (yes, even the parts that may seem hard to understand), we develop a deeper, intimate walk with God that cannot be shaken, even in the harshest desert conditions of life." Unfortunately for me in the stress and busy times I hadn't been filling and nourishing my soul as much as I needed and took my eyes from the cross. God knew that and He faithfully still used my family to encourage my heart and fill my soul. My family in law reminded me of the song that my husband and I sang from Casting Crowns Just be held. I inserted the link below for you to listen and see how much this impacted me when I was in the hospital thinking back to these lyrics. Later Wednesday afternoon a lady came in to my room with a new baby : her second. The nurses decided to take me a different room. I entered this new room; a room filled with sadness and grief. A lady had lost her baby at 9 weeks. I didn't know what was worse being in a room with a lady with a new baby knowing that maybe our little Matrose wouldn't make it or into a room with a lady who lost a baby thinking it could be me next. Paul came in with Aria again that evening and left just after the girl returned from the operation. I lay there not knowing what to say to this couple who lost their baby and she was in so much pain from the operation. I lay there crying and praying to God. The couple left after having the operation to remove their little one and then in the middle of the night another girl was rushed in with a drip. Wednesday night a storm started outside as well, I thought it was so ironic that through our storm there was a real storm outside and I thought of my little sailor and thought of the time Jesus was in the boat with the disciples and how he thought they had so little faith and I clung on to my faith. My brother also sent me a song to listen to called "Nearness" by Jenn Johnson. Unfortunately I had not enough internet so I couldn't listen to it at night until my brother recorded it through whatsapp for me to listen to. A week before at church there was also a sermon about the storm that Jesus sent the disciples into after a miracle of feeding 5,000 in Matthew 14. The man preached about how Jesus knew the storm was coming but He still sent the disciples into the storm. God knew our storm was coming and He didn't stop it but He lovingly provided us with so much for it, so much encouragement and reminded us He was there with us. I woke up on Thursday morning with hardly any blood and I really thought God was going to allow us to have this baby and then the bleeding became heavier. The song my brother sent me the night before I was finally able to listen to and I sat there with tears flooding hoping that God would allow me to keep this baby. One of the lines in the song is, "and whether this side of heaven I know that you are the healer." I hoped this meant that God would heal me and the baby would survive, but God had different plans. I wrote about the song in my journal and wrote again, "God is here with me, I hope one day you will know God and trust Him in everything and what He did for you." The following video is the song that my brother sent to me: Paul and Aria came in the morning again and I remember speaking to him about maybe being able to come home that night or so I thought. Then Paul went home and I watched movies and started to make Arias first year video. Paul and Aria came back along with my brother and soon to be sister in law. I was so excited to see them.
My brother and fiancee left and we started to talk to the girl who was next to me whose English was really good. Here I also saw Gods hand that through the hardest part of me being in the hospital I had someone there who could translate for me and help me in that way. She also knew Paul's cousin. I stood up to go to the toilet and felt a gush of blood. I went to the toilet and it confirmed that I lost a lot of blood I called Paul and he came in and I just stood crying. I got back into bed and was told I wasn't allowed to move much and just lie there. Paul left to go home and then more bleeding came and I needed to go to the toilet, for me it was so embarrassing as I needed to use a pan in the bedroom. Thankfully the girl next to me left the room and I had some privacy which I was thankful for. There was so much blood. I lay there until I needed the toilet again and the lady brought in a wheelable toilet which I used and then started to shake, feel sick and then couldn't hear and the room started to spin. I felt like I was in a film when everything goes slow motion. I cried "Hello" and the nurse came in and helped me to the bed. But I really thought at that point that the baby was gone. I was taken for an ultrasound on my own, without Paul and I couldn't see the heartbeat of our little Matrose and at that moment knew the baby was gone, the nurse took some blood to double check the birth hormone level and took me back to the room. But I felt peace amongst the sadness and loneliness. I called Paul and asked him to come in. I was able to speak German to the girl in my room and she replied in English and I even felt God in this. We spoke about why God does what He does and I poured my heart out knowing that I need to cling on to God and knowing that He is in control and that He has a plan for our lives even in this sadness. I told her I believed in God and believed our baby was in heaven. Maybe one day God will use my experience to minister to others. Paul turned up and we waited there for a while and the nurse came in and shook her head. Even though I knew the baby was gone I just started crying again and realised our baby is in heaven with our Lord, without pain and they know Him more than I ever will until I die or He comes again. I also remember thinking I was mad that my grandad could never meet Aria as he is with God but he was the first to meet this little Matrose. I was told I needed to have an operation in the morning and the girl next to us was so amazing and agreed to be moved to another room. The nurses allowed Paul to stay in a bed next to me and I lay there all night in and out of sleep wondering what God would do in this situation. Morning came and we waited for a while before we could have the operation. Paul came with me as far as he could and then I was scared and felt alone and even then "my God is so big so strong and so mighty theres nothing that He can not do" came to mind and I felt peace. The man in the room also was a Christian and I just felt God again telling me He was with me even in this. I breathed in the gas to make me fall asleep as I sang to myself "My God is so big so strong and so mighty" . I woke up in a room and then was taken back to Paul and I lay there just in denial and shocked at what happened. I also realised at this point that the storm outside was over another sign from God that He was with me! As I write this blog everything is still raw, and you may be thinking how strong of her to write this. But I am not strong, I am sad, I am angry and I still question God. But I'm allowing the Holy Spirit to be strong in my weakness, trusting that He will help me through this. And I am excited to see what God wants to do through this situation. I'm just so glad that God taught me so much all of the days I was in the hospital and that one day I will meet little Matrose. Paul also chose what to preach on this week two weeks ago when everything was fine with our little Matrose, "don't doubt in the darkness what is revealed to you in the light"; psalm 42 and 43. God is amazing and He can use our circumstances to teach other people things and us! I hope I cling to Him in everything and through this we get closer to our Lord. -Nom
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